Las Palmas

the word Facade is quite new to me, but its a very good word to describe how I feel and my place in life right now. The word speaks to the a pleasant surface concealing an unpleasant reality, that’s exactly what I feel like right now. Im a young man, out of high school and with my own business and fairly good skills based on how others describe me, but Ive been very lost for a long time.

People see me and think i’m a firm, determined, and focused person, even I like to think of my self this way many times before walking up to anyone or making a decision just so I don’t stand there morbidly dead on the inside. Here’s how it feels, I have what I need in my mind, I know what to do, but I feel lost and consumed in emotions, thoughts, dopamine hits to suppress the guilt, I don’t smoke or pop anything, but I do watch silly videos when I should be planning the next day, and sleeping in when there’s no work because I don’t know what to do (new flash, I never even planned the next day since I was probably playing some game). It’s a cycle, a cycle im familiar with but just can’t seem to shake off, I never thought id come to a point where Im a literal disaster on the inside. For a longtime ive looked up to my mom for direction and trusted in her to know the way, but she’s very judging and not in the best way, I know I can’t obligate her to use a different parenting style, but sometimes I sure wish I could, instead of a hand when I fall, I receive criticism, instead providing solutions, she complains and falls apart. I get it, im the one with the business, and im the one with the skills, so im supposed to hold up, but I don’t exactly know how to, at least I for a long time I didn’t, but ive began to recompose my self, getting a grip on my role, realizing she’s not changing, but I can. Crazy, the small thing behind our eyes, can completely change how we see and feel the word, how to carry ourselves.

Ive had many small events happen in my life, seasons that changed me piece by piece, I remember the first time Luci came TO ME!, in high school, so nervous all I could manage was a “hola”, months later we date, then break up, then date, then break up, on and on for about 2 years, and now already being in a thin emotional state, I saw a pic of her with another guy kissing, and well I just let go and collapsed the entire day, part of me thinking I miss her, but no, I just want what she has now. If your young (17-20) listen to this, my business has blessed me with more than enough, I can get almost anything I want at this moment if I wanted to, ive driven many cars you probably think are cool, the big new escalades, navigators, denali suv’s… had the girl at one time, handed out gifts, payed big tips, got speeding tickets for $2k, etc etc… all of this made me happy for about as long as it takes you to blink, figuratively speaking, point is all of these things are not that cool, the girl that one still hurts to be honest I could probably shed a tear over that right now, but that’s me, everything else is a small steppingstone.

The point of this post, and any other I make, is to share with anybody reading what its like for me living and facing worldly problems in the same world we share, I have a very f’d up internal life, the outside not so much, but what do you really feel?… everything will get better, but maybe not all of it will, I don’t know. But whatever happens im going to continue to post, maybe less emotional spillage next time, but just had a lot to say this first time. This is what ill spend my free time doing, or instead of consuming I do this, create.